Santa Singh is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. He takes his seat in
the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out,
removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Y for Heads and N for Tails. Within half an
hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately
throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. "Oye, I
finished the exam in half and hour". "But yaar", he says, "I am rechecking my answers and am not able to tally them
with what I wrote."
Jesus
Three men were applying for the same job as a detective. One was Santa Singh, one was Jewish, and one was Italian.
The chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer. When the Jewish man
arrived for his interview, the chief asked him, "Who killed Jesus Christ?" The Jewish man answered without hesitation
"The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left. When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief
asked the same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.
Finally Santa Singh arrived for his interview, he was asked the same question. He thought for a long time, before
saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tomorrow." When Santa
Singh arrived home, his wife asked "How did the interview go?". Pat came the reply, "Great, I got the job, and I'm
already investigating a murder.
Santa Singh and the Lottery
Santa Singh finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so
desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray........... "Oh Bhagwan,
please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me
win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Santa Singh goes back to the temple.....................
"Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto
night comes and Santa Singh still has no luck!! Back to the temple.................. "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken
me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving.. I don't often ask you for help and I
have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back
in order???". Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and Santa Singh is confronted by the voice
of Lord : "SANTA SINGH, BUY THE DAMN TICKET FIRST".
Mr.Know All
Banta was bragging to his boss one day,"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and
I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Banta how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Banta and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom
Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Banta! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and
join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Banta's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Banta
that he thinks Banta's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Banta says. "President
Clinton,"his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Banta says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." At the White House,
Clinton spots Banta on the tour and motions him and his boss over,saying, "Banta, what a surprise, I was just on my
way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and have a cup of coffee first".
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House, he expresses his
doubts to Banta, who again implores him to name anyone else.
" The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Banta. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the pope a long time." So
they fly to Rome. Banta and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Banta says, "This will
never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go
upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Banta emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Banta returns, he finds
that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Banta asks
him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says,"I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony
and the man next to me said,"Who's that on the balcony with Banta?"
Santa & Banta
Santa and Banta were working in a software company. One day, they were to move their machines to another building.
Santa was having a tough time carrying his machine.Santa : "My machine has 500 MB disk. See how easily I am
carrying it. Your machine has just 250 MB. Can't you carry even this much?" Banta : "But yours is empty and my disk
is full"!!!
Santa's overnight stay
Santa Singh was traveling in a crowded bus. He was carrying the Passport size photograph of his son (for college
admission). Suddenly ,the photograph fell down from his pocket.He started searching for it frantically & found the same
on the floor of the bus. Politely,he asked the saree clad female, standing in front of him,"Can you lift that saree? I
wanna take a photograph" The rest is history. He was beaten so badly that he had to be admitted in a hospital.
He was surprised to see Banta Singh on the bed next to him,in a still worse condition. Banta started to explain his
"Adventure". He had gone to a remote village on some work & due to his high level of intelligence, couldn't finish the
work on time. He had missed the last bus from that place. He couldn't find any Hotel. So he approached a nearby house
and asked the Owner whether he can stay there for the night.The Owner replied"I have 2 grown up daughters.Sorry,I
can't allow you to stay".
He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the night. The Owner replied,"I have 3 grown up
daughters.Sorry,I can't allow you to stay". He went towards the next house and without taking any risks,asked," Do you
have "grown up" daughters?".
The Owner asked,"WHY?????????" Banta replied," I wanted to stay here for a night..... "
The Kiss
Through the center of Lahore there's the new Indo-Pak train speeding along (Samjhuata Express or whatever - which
goes between India and Pak. In one compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young woman,
an old matronly woman, a Pakistani soldier, and our own Santa Singh. Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel.It is
completely dark. They hear a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap. When the train exits the tunnel, the Pakistani
soldier is holding the side of his face, and Santa Singh is grinning his face off.The old matronly woman thinks : "Now
that's a fine young woman, the Pakistani soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!" The
young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Pakistani soldier, he'd rather kiss that old woman than me."The
Pakistani soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Indian, he steals the kiss and I get slapped." And Santa Singh is
thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a
Pakistani soldier."
Sardar and Mileage
A sardar from Delhi had an old car which had run for over a 1,00,000 kilometres. He wanted to sell it, but was not
getting a good price because of its excess mileage. He approached a Madrasi friend of his and asked for help. The
Madrasi gave him an address in Chennai (Madras) and asked him to visit a mechanic there.
The mechanic would adjust the meter so that it shows only 30,000 kilometres. The sardar thanked him and left for
Madras. For a few days, the Madrasi didn't see the sardar. He assumed that the sardar would have sold the car.
A few weeks later, the sardar came to see the Madrasi in the same car. The Madrasi was surprised and asked - "What
happened? Why have you not sold your car yet?" The sardar replied - "Why should I? It has run for only 30,000
kilometres."
Banta and Jurassic Park
Banta Singh goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start
approaching he is cowering in his seat when his friend asks him "kyon
Banta Singh, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai" (What
Banta Singh? Are you afraid of the cinema?).Banta Singh replies "Aadmi hoon
aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai, usko
kya pata "( I am an intelligent(?) man, I know it is a movie, but
does that animal know?)
Santa Singh commits Suicide
Santa Singh is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some wine and chicken with him.
Somebody stops him and asks "kyon bhai, ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?" (Why do you take these things with you?).
Santa Singh replies "Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun" (If the stupid train comes late, I will die of
hunger!)
Banta Gambles
Santa Singh saw that his friend Banta Singh was very depressed. "What happened ?" asked Santa. "Yaar, I lost Rs. 800
in a bet yesterday . " "How come ?" "Well, yesterday, the one-day match between India and England was being shown
live on TV.I bet Rs.500 that India would win, but I lost the bet." " But thats only Rs. 500, where did the rest go ?" "
Yaar, I bet on the re-telecast too "
Chess
Santa Singh is Flying from Moscow to Delhi. To his surprise, sitting right beside him is Gary Kasporov, the world Chess
Champion. Santa has always been in awe of Chess players, and immediately starts up a conversation with Gary about
the Nuances of the Game etc.
Gary says ... "How would You like to Play me for $ 500/ US"? Santa: "But you're too damn good". Gary: "I'll play left
handed". Santa cant resist the bet and accepts. Kasparov, Check Mates our Santar in 8 Moves ....... Santa is still
scratching his head, as he leaves the airplane.
Upon Reaching Amritsar, Santa tells Banta about the game he had with Kasparov.
Banta: "Tu bhi pura buddhu hai Santa". (You're an absolute fool Santa)
Santa: "kyon" (why)?
Banta: "Abe Khote....... Gary Kasparov Khabbu hai". (You donkey, Gary Kasparov IS a lefty, no wonder he beat you left
handed).
The Clock Tower
Santa Singh is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy
the clock on the Tower. Santa says "Yes".
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for
several hours Santa Singh figured he was taken for a ride.
On the next day the Santa is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. "Give
me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."
Santa Singh gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool. This time, you wait and i'll go get a ladder."
Banta & Thief
One night, Banta was walking homewards when a thief jumped on him all of a sudden. Banta and the thief had a terrific
tussle. They rolled about on the ground, and Banta put up a tremendous fight until, at last, the thief managed to get the
better of him and pinned him to the ground.
The thief then went through Banta's pockets and searched him all over. There was only a 25-paise coin he could lay his
hands on. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Banta why he had bothered to fight so hard just for a 25-paise
bit. "Was that all you wanted?" said Banta, "I thought you were after the five-hundred rupees I've got in my shoe!"
Y2k Project
Letter from Santa Singh leading Y2k Project
Dear Sir,
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through everyline of code in every
program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and
modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change
mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards: Januark,
Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December.
As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak,Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak I trust that this is satisfactory, because
to be honest, none of this "Y to K" problem has made any sense to me.
But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000
have to do with it?Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from
99 to 00? We'll await your direction.
A fishing trip
Santa and Banta decided to go on a fishing trip. They went to a tackle store, bought all of the equipment they needed
and then went on to the lake. There they rented a boat for the day.
Once out to a spot they dropped their lines, and through the day had tremendous luck.Santa said to Banta, 'We should
mark this spot.' So Banta leaned over a put a mark on the side of the boat. Santa said 'You fool that won't work'.
'Why?' said Banta. Because Santa said 'we may not get the same boat tomorrow.'
Santa Teaches English
Santa Singh ji the english lecturer Sardar Santa Singh ji is the english teacher in a school. He is very well renowned for
all his students do very well in exams. The school is having an inspection and the inspector decided to visit the english
class.This is what transpires :
Santa Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA " Students (in chorous) : "GADHA " Santa Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA ,
GADHE KE PECHE GADHA " Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA "
Santa Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MEIN"
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MEIN"
Santa Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MEIN, MERE PECHE SAARA
DESH "
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA
DESH" By this time the inspector is furious .
He confronts the principal and shouts at him "What is this Santa Singh teaching to students. He is supposed to be
taking an english class and what he is saying is GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR
MERE PECHE SAARA DESH . The principle too is shocked , Santa Singh the famous english teacher doing this. He
immediately sends for for Santa Singh. Principal : " Santa singh ji what nonsense are you telling these students "
GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH ".
Santa Singh : " Yes i was telling all this in class, but i was only teaching the students the spellings of ASSASSINATION .
" ASS - ASS - I - NATION (GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA
DESH)
The Safe Santa
A Santa, a Madrasi and a Gujarati were waiting for a bus when a dangerous-looking guy approached them. He suddenly
pulled out a syringe with blood inside it and said in a menacing tone - "Give me all your valuables or I'll pierce you with
this needle. This contains AIDS infected blood!" Our friends were naturally alarmed - all except the Santa. The Madrasi
immediately gave away all his valuables.
The Gujju bargained with the stranger and gave away half of his belongings. The Santa, however, was unfazed. He
refused to part with his money. In anger and frustration, the guy pricked the Santa with the needle and ran away. The
alarmed Madrasi and Gujju asked the Santa - " How could you do this? Now you will get AIDS surely!" The Santa coolly
replied - " No! I won't! I am wearing a condom".
